she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
