I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
