my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
