whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
