remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
