i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
