I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
