My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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