I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
