My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
