i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
