i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
