I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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