My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
