he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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