I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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