well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
