dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
