I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
