i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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