i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
