How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
