I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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