you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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