yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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