I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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