we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
