The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
