i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
