So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
