She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
