Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
