I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
