So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
