why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
