We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
