I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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