Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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