it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
