3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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