why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
now i know why i became what i already was.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My life is pants optional.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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