Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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