At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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