I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
