I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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