sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
