you told grandpa to call you daddy
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
