I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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