Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
