You smell like a Billy Joel song
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
