John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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